Navigating Polarized Conversations

We are living through a challenging time in human history.  One consequence of our communal stress is a rise in polarization.  Polarization is characterized by a stuck energy, making it difficult to work with.  It can seem like there is no possibility for understanding, and consequently, no ability to move forward. 

In the face of polarization, I have been tempted to just give up, saying: “There is nothing I can do about this!”  Well, let me be honest.  Sometimes I was saying: “There is nothing I can do about those people!”   which is clear indication I had become polarized.  However, giving up is not a choice I am willing to make.  I believe our future depends on our ability to find our way across this divide.  Our children’s and grandchildren’s and great grandchildren’s futures depend upon our ability to work through our differences together.

We tend to approach a polarized situation as an either/or proposition.  One perspective is right and the other is wrong.  This serves to deepen the polarization as both sides attempt to prove the superiority of their perspective.  The conflict and pain that results from this approach can be intense and tends to spread to others.  However, in all instances of polarization I have encountered, there are competing values that are seeking balance.  This means that polarization calls us to embrace a both/and mindset rather than an either/or solution. Put another way, what is needed is for us to inhabit both sides of the polarity.

Barry Johnson points out that both aspects of a polarity contain upsides and downsides. Our preferences can cause us to support one perspective more than the other.  This can lead to arguments that pit our upsides against the other person’s downsides.  The other person does the same.  This is an unfair and unhelpful disagreement that deepens the divide, leads to the creation of enemy images, and a loose/loose scenario.

One of the polarities that I frequently encounter in today’s world is between individualism and the collective good.  The upsides of individualism might include agency and freedom of expression.  The upsides of the collective good might include equity and a sense of belonging.  The downsides of individualism might include self-absorption and isolation.  The downsides of the collective good might include disempowerment and excessive conformity. 

Can you see how the public discourse on this polarity tends to argue for the upsides of each pole against the downsides of the other?  This gives us what we don’t want – the limitations of both sides.  What we want to do is elevate the upsides of both poles and look at ways to limit the potential to slide into the downside of either.  Granted, this is not an easy conversation.  It takes humility and vulnerability.  However, shifting to conversation in this direction provides the opportunity for mutuality and healing. 

This requires us to look at a polarized situation and identify the upsides and downsides to both polarities.  In moving into conversation about this issue, we begin with identifying the upsides of the other pole.  This lets the other person know that we hear them and value their perspective.  Next we acknowledge the downsides of our perspective.  I know.  This takes courage, humility, and vulnerability.  And it builds connection.  Next, we move to the upsides of our position.  Hopefully, by this time we have built some trust and openness and those on the other side can begin to embrace the value of our perspective.  Finally, we bring forward the downsides of the other perspective.  Then, we can begin to collaborate on strategies to elevate the upsides of both perspectives.  We can begin to find common ground and a shared future.

Acknowledgements:

Over the past few years, I have been richly blessed to do some training with Betty Pries of Credence and Company.  She introduced me to this work.  I also recommend the following resources:

·        Navigating Polarities: Using Both/And Thinking to Lead Transformation – Brian Emerson & Kelly Lewis

·        Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems – Barry Johnson

·        Managing Polarities in Congregations – Roy M. Oswald & Barry Johnson