Truth + Love = Accountability

Several years ago, I began to explore the concept of accountability.  At the time, I was in a position in which I was often called upon to hold accountability conversations. I had numerous conversations on this topic and noticed that some seemed to have a different interpretation of accountability than I did.  I heard things comparable to blame or criticism.  Others seemed to view accountability from a power dynamic forcing compliance to rules or as a means of control.  I also heard statements associating accountability with punishment. 

None of these interpretations worked for me.  I saw accountability in a positive and affirming light.  Yes, accountability conversations could be challenging, but I believed the intention behind these conversations was about supporting people in personal or professional growth, thus creating a broader societal change.  I decided to take a deeper dive into accountability.

Early in this exploration, I attended a Vital Smarts webinar in which the presenter said that accountability is not an intention or a goal.  Rather, he said that the intention was connection, and that accountability was the fruit of our labor.  Accountability arises when we build healthy and trusting relationships. This was it!  This fully resonated with me!

In exploring business texts about accountability, one word kept surfacing: LOVE.  Accountability was about loving people enough to see their potential and provide authentic feedback to support them in fulfilling their potential.  As my research continued, two quotes were instrumental in deepening my understanding of accountability:

“Connection happens at the nexus of truth and love...  Truth without love is harshness.  Love without truth is sentimentality.  But if you can be completely honest with somebody in the context of loving support, then you have a trusting relationship.  Norms are enforced as people hold one another accountable for violating them.  Community is woven through love-drenched accountability.” (David Brooks)

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Notice that both these quotes speak of truth and love.  Accountability requires that we embrace truth and love in a balanced manner.  If truth is overemphasized, our feedback can be armed with barbs, judgment, or criticism.  If love is overemphasized, we fail the share information that supports someone in growing.  Said another way, accountability is a polarity with truth and love existing on a continuum.  As Barry Johnson points out in his work on polarities, one side of polarity does not exist without the other.  To effectively work with a polarity, we want to inhabit the polarity and embrace a both/and mindset.

Feedback is essential to accountability.  Effective feedback is honest and loving.  Information is shared in a kind and respectful manner and without blame.  It is essential to realize that feedback is a vulnerability experience for all parties.  The person giving feedback risks saying something that may be painful to hear or make the other person defensive.  The person receiving the feedback may feel hurt by feedback or feel that their personhood is at risk.

Often an accountability conversation arises due to something someone else has heard or said that triggers us in some way.  Before we enter the conversation, it is important to do our own work, to disarm our triggers so that we can be fully present, kind, and respectful of the other person.  In preparing for the conversation, it is helpful to explore the following questions:

·        How would l objectively describe what happened? How might the other person describe what happened?

·        What am I feeling? What might the other person be feeling?

·        How is my sense of self affected by this situation? Am I questioning my competency?  Am I wondering about my value or self-worth?

Honestly answering these questions gives us the opportunity to work on our interior space and to enter the conversation with more neutrality and curiosity.

It is also important to consider the purpose or intention in entering the conversation.  If there is a hidden desire to retaliate, we’re not ready for the conversation.  The growth process may entail some pain, and there may be aspects of the conversation that are uncomfortable to hear.  But our intention is not to cause harm.  In Welcoming the Unwelcome, Pema Chödrön says it this way: How to keep your mind clear enough to see that harm has been done, yet open enough to allow for a person – any person – to learn from their mistakes and evolve – this is the challenge.”

Sometimes our discomfort with accountability conversations can lead to us communicate in a way that is ambiguous.  This can leave the other person confused and without information to really assist them in making changes.  Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.  Unclear is unkind.” Feedback is most helpful and most respectful when it is clear, specific and grounded in a sincere desire to support the other person. 

Accountability marries truth and love.  It speaks truthfully about what has occurred, and how it has impacted us.  It makes clear statements about what we want going forward.  And accountability is permeated with love for the other person.  It recognizes the inherent worth of the other person and seeks to lovingly support them in being their best self. 

In a world with so many challenges, strengthening our capacity to lift up accountability and explore deeper could:

·        Help us live together with greater kindness and respect

·        Enhance our capacity to resolve challenges

·        Support us in being our best selves

·        Transform our world

Resources for further explorations:

·        Dare to Lead – Brené Brown

·        Think Again – Adam Grant

·        Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High – Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler

·        The Space Between Us: Conversations for Transforming Conflict – Betty Pries

·        Eager to Love: The Alternative Way of Francis of Assisi – Richard Rohr

·        Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life – Marshal Rosenberg

·        Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most – Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

·        Thanks for the Feedback – Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

·        Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) – Carol Tavris & Elliot Aronson

·        The Book of Forgiving – Desmond and Mpho Tutu