Embracing Transformation Through the Dance of Triangles

All of us have experienced the discomfort of others speaking about us behind our backs – and if we are honest, we have all engaged in this behavior ourselves.  This behavior is called triangulation and can be very harmful and create a toxic environment.  Consequently, many of us attempt to stop people from triangulating.  And this never works.  In fact, it is not uncommon for triangulation to intensify when we try to force it to stop.

Family systems theory recognizes that emotional triangles are a normal human response to anxiety.  Tension arises in a relationship with another person, or with a situation or circumstance.  We become uncomfortable and anxious because we don’t know how to deal with it.  So, we go to another person. We triangulate in an effort to alleviate that anxiety.  Often, we believe that our anxiety will be relieved if we get someone to agree with us, maybe even support us in creating an enemy image of the other person or the situation.  In this process, we become a Victim and we attempt to enroll someone else in being our Rescuer.  And yes, that means that we make someone or some circumstance a Perpetrator/Villian.

Triangulation provides an opportunity to express intense emotions and may cause some temporary relief, but triangulation as described above provides no solution.  The anxiety remains alive and tends to escalate as it moves on to others in the system.  However, embedding and intensifying anxiety is not the only option with triangulation.  We can actually choose to dance with the triangles in a different way.  We can choose to become agents of transformation.

To become an agent of transformation, we must choose to be a neutral partner in this dance – honoring both perspectives, listening from a place of unconditional positive regard, and supporting people in finding creative and empowering solutions to their challenges.  When we do this, we assist people in transforming challenges into opportunities for evolution.

This is a complex dance requiring self-awareness and skill.  If you are interested in learning more, please register for my Dance of Triangles class which takes place Monday evenings from 6:00 – 8:00 CT, March 7 through March 28. Find our more on the class page